They say you can never go home again and in most cases that holds true. Life keeps rolling along no matter how small your hometown happens to be. It could be that in your absence three Super Wal-marts have sprung up within sight of one another or perhaps the local strip mall claims to be serving the freshest sushi around (a mere 250 miles from the nearest seaport). But as much as things change there are some aspects of hometown life that are timelessly unyielding.  For example, your friend’s ex-wife will always be a whore. Literally.

My wife and I flew to North Carolina last week for our semi-annual trip to visit family and friends. We just happened to be there while the biggest news story of the year had the entire county buzzing. Trumping news of a swine flu outbreak in the State’s Capital and on-going investigations into rural chicken theft was the story of a massive sting operation at the Paradise Club out on Highway 87.

Long has this cinder block shack been the bane of Alamance County. My father even admitted to being in attendance at least once back in the 70’s when it went by the more artistic title “The Green Door”.  The Paradise Club was now a member’s only den of inequity for gentlemen that enjoy thrusting dollars at the bottomless skanks too wretched to make it in the comparatively higher-class strip joints of the greater Greensboro area.

Catching wind of the bust, my mother pulled up the article on the Daily Times News website and asked me to read it aloud to the family. I was more than happy to engage in this perverse version of children’s story time even though I was disappointed by the paucity of appropriate pictures to accompany with the words.

What started out as a fairly straight piece of factual reporting: 703 charges levied against 12 people, 50 sheriff’s deputies with 3 search warrants, $40 for a blow job $100 for around the world; quickly turned into the gossipy type of journalism that one can only find in the small town press. The reporter saw fit to include every aspect of the day’s events. Including remarks about how the deputies had banned him from using his cell phone and pager (just in case the raid bent the space/time continuum backwards to the 80’s) as well as seemingly irrelevant observations such as the following:

“Shortly after the sheriff’s department arrived on scene, several dancers were taken into custody. One, known as “Baby Doll” was pulled out of a trailer by Maj. Tim Britt, placed on the ground on her belly and handcuffed. While on the ground crying, a dog on the property riled up by the activity defecated beside her.”

Pulitzer worthy reporting to be sure. It was at this point I remembered that my friend Gary’s ex-wife  Tonia had at one time worked as a stripper in that part of the county and I thought that there was a high possibility that she might have indeed been an employee of the illustrious Paradise Club.  It wasn’t, however, until later that night did I find out that Tonia Marie Pennington not only worked at the Paradise but she also went by the name Baby Doll!

Yes, Gary’s long time lover and mother of his 3 children was THE Baby Doll that had the misfortune of being dragged from her brothel/trailer, hand-cuffed, placed face down in the dirt of the Paradise Club parking lot, and shat upon by an incontinent pooch that was overly excited at the prospect of perhaps playing fetch with a bevy of police deputies.

To add entertainment to injury, the Daily Times News posted video of the entire proceedings placing particular emphasis upon Baby Doll’s malodorous adventures.

Original Video: Baby Doll Busted

I would like to say that the news saddened me is some way but I really can’t. Long  have I told friends tales of my time spent growing up in rural North Carolina. Often they were so outlandish that I was dismissed for exaggerating. It was a great relief to have been vindicated by the above video. It was all true fellas. Every word of it.

We at WTT have so many stories of Gary and his poorly chosen partner that it will literally take years to recount them all. But it seems fitting to inaugurate this site with the latest tale of Tonia’s woe.  We promise to keep you all up to date as the news of her arrest/trial/and possible imprisonment unfold.

Links:

Burlington Daily Times News Article on “Trouble in Paradise”

Video of Baby Doll’s Bust