Rednecks know how to make their mark

I’m a nice person. Honest, I am. Ask anyone to describe me and that’s usually the first thing that comes out of his/her mouth. I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings at all, so I tend to avoid any situation that could cause me to do just that. When I lived in Roanoke Rapids, NC I met Adam at a club in Rocky Mount one night while I was out with some friends. We seemed to hit it off immediately and I was certainly looking for more friends in the area because I had just moved from Virginia and knew only a couple of people. He called me the next day and we ended up hanging out a few more times with friends, but nothing romantic was on the horizon.

One evening Adam called and wanted to know if I’d go on a “date” date with him. Just the two of us. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone at all, but decided that he was nice enough to give it a shot. If nothing else it would get me out of the house on a Friday night. He worked as a beer distributor and talked me into going to a club in Weldon (which is a stone’s throw away from Roanoke Rapids). He picked me up and we spent the evening drinking and dancing. Unfortunately, this is where it gets a little hazy for me.

I remember him being too drunk to drive me home, but the club had a van that would take people home who had overindulged. The van was called “The Watermelon Crawl” and it was full of, well, drunk people. We finally made it to my apartment and I realized that Adam couldn’t drive home because he was too drunk to drive and he had left his truck at the club anyway. So I let him spend the night. I was only being polite when I offered him my bed (thinking that no gentleman would allow a female to sleep on the floor in her own place…wrong!) and I ended up sleeping on the floor.

We woke up the next morning and I drove him back to the club to get his truck. He went back to Rocky Mount and I headed back home to nurse my aching head. The thought of him being in my bed drunk and drooling grossed me out a little, so I decided that I needed to change the sheets on the bed. When I pulled back the blanket to start stripping the bed I couldn’t believe what greeted me! Adam had left the souvenir to top all souvenirs: a skid mark was on my sheet that was at least 18 inches long. Granted, I didn’t measure it, but it was the biggest racing stripe that I’d ever seen! Not that I have seen anything like that before, but you get the idea. I didn’t even bother trying to wash that shit out, I tossed the sheets immediately.

If only he had worn a diaper

Later that day, Adam called me and left a message. I didn’t know what to say to him. Obviously I couldn’t ever see him again. At least not with a straight face. He called again the next day. And the day after that as well. The last time he left a message, he asked why I wasn’t returning his calls. I knew why, but I couldn’t find it within myself to call him back and let him know the real reason we couldn’t hang out anymore.

So Adam, if you’re out there reading this, please understand. You’re a great guy and I enjoyed the time that we spent together; however, I really prefer guys who use toilet paper.