This is how they saw us

Catch up with Part 1 and Part 2 first.

“Ladies and gentlemen, before we run out of time, I’d like for you to meet Allie and her roommate Sara. They’re roommates and they live together (um, okay) and they’re fighting over the same man. Allie, tell us your story.”

“Sara started dating Ari and when he first came over to pick her up, we hit it off. I just want her to butt out of our relationship!”

I won’t go into every single thing that was said, but the story involved me stealing Sara’s “date dress,” wearing it out with Ari and “accidentally” spilling spaghetti on it. Then I sat behind them at a movie and I made snide remarks throughout about how he wanted me and not her. Sara and I yelled at each other. Ari, the paid one, was really earning his money by saying very little. He defended me a couple of times from Sara, but the hard part was still to come. The audience.

Jenny opened it up to comments from the audience and it was Allie Jo season. A large woman with a lovely t-shirt that had anchors all over it stood up and said, “Ari hasn’t made a commitment, not to you or to her. So what gives you the right to tell your friend to butt out, baby?” “Because I love him,” was my answer. “Booooooooo!” from the audience. Another girl stood up and said, “I’m here with my roommate and I would never do anything like that to her. I mean all you’re doing is acting like a little slut!” The audience cheered. WTF?! Ari got pissed off at this point and stood up to tell everyone that I wasn’t a slut (thanks for defending my honor), but they edited that out of the show. I need to point out that this young lady waited for me after the show and came at me like a pitbull. Luckily, the car had its door open so I escaped.

Our story went on, taking twists and turns. All of us were having to think on our feet, but we were hanging in there like champs. I told of a time when I invited Sara to come home with me for Easter just to get her away from him. I also mentioned that she had called Ari and told him that I was sick and couldn’t go out that night. The she came into my room and told me that he had called and something had come up. I was called “a spoiled, selfish brat” by a woman with a nasty perm. Another lady told Sara to move because she had “a real scary roommate.” A lady with one tooth who was actually picking her nose as she stood up to talk, said that it was like Single White Female” and Sara was Bridget Fonda.  I mean, no one was defending me. One person in the audience did, and that was edited out as well. So yeah, I was the villain and there was no turning back. I had my role and I had to run with it. I mean, Sara’s make-up and hair were soft and pretty. I looked like a whore. I really did. Coal black eyeliner around my eyes and streaks of blush up my cheeks. Someone could have added up all of the make-up that I’d worn in my entire life and it wouldn’t have come close to that mess!

During the commercial breaks, Jenny would get people in the audience to ask questions so she’d know who to go to when we went back on-air. A lady brought out some water for us and said, “MMMMMM, and you say you guys are friends.” I was being judged by the water lady?????!!!!  Back on air and time was running out. I had to do it. I’d been planning a line to use (possibly all my life in some situation) and the door was opened by a large woman who was wearing all red. If the audience wanted to hate me. Fine. But I wasn’t going down without upsetting the crowd even more. “He doesn’t love you like that. Why are you willing to throw away your friendship if he doesn’t love you?” The camera zoomed in within inches of my face and I said two words that would send me into bitchdom forever: “He’ll learn.”

You would have thought that I had sacrificed a puppy in front of the crowd. Actually, I think that would have garnered me some support from the folks. The place erupted. Shouts, yells, moans, screams…good lord. I had succeeded. Jenny had to ask again what I had said because even she didn’t believe it. “Did you say ‘We’ll learn’?” she asked as the crowd shushed. “Yeah, he’ll learn. He’ll come around one day!” At this point on the tape, you can see me choking back the laughter. Literally. The corners of my mouth were turning up. I shut my eyes to think of baseball or something and you could see me swallow hard. Ari went on to tell Jenny that I was a lot of fun and we had a great time together because I was outgoing. “Well, she doesn’t look like a lot of fun to me. I mean, she doesn’t look happy.” Thanks Jenny, but you know what? I just got a free trip to Chicago for my boyfriend, my best friend, and all on you. No fun, my ass…

At the conclusion of the show, Jenny told me that I needed help because of my obsession, but didn’t offer any to me. As we piled into the limo to take us back to the airport (after I had warded off Big Mama coming after me with my backpack) I couldn’t help but to laugh, along with Ari and Sara. Even though the story didn’t go off as planned, it still went over well and I was proud that I could mark another goal off of my list. When I arrived back at the airport, I called my mom to tell her that I was back. “How was your trip to Chicago?” she asked sarcastically. Before I could answer, someone was being paged in the airport and she heard it. “Oh my god, you really did it, didn’t you?” she gasped. “I told you that I was,” I replied. I thought it was over, but I hadn’t seen anything yet until the show aired…

Links:

Part 1

Part 2