There had better be some big-ass mosquitoes nearby to justify this option... In my opinion, 18 year-old girls look hot in boots and shorts. 60 year-old men do not. Aunt Jemima...on the auction block. Goddammit. Yes, that's Skoal in her back pocket.

I found out last week that an agricultural festival and tractor auction called “The Old Thresher’s Reunion” was going to be within driving distance. People from all over the southeast come to this festival to camp out and show their old tractors and farming equipment. I knew that I had to go to this event and document it, so I headed down there on July 3rd. Here’s a run-down of the day’s proceedings:

9:00 am: I arrived at the fairgrounds in Denton, NC. The parking lot was a gigantic field. There was a long line of cars (and by cars I mean 4-wheel drive trucks with all manner of deer hunting stickers on them) waiting to get in.

9:15 am: I paid $13 dollars for a ticket to look at old tractors and farm equipment.

9:30 am: I walked into the fairgrounds area and started looking around. Immediately I realized that I stood out like a sore thumb…my t-shirt had sleeves and I did not have boots on. Right away I noticed two pregnant teenagers.

10:15 am: It was obvious that every time I pulled out my iPhone to take a photo or video, people looked at me like I was holding an instrument of Satan.

11:00 am: I headed down to the auction area. I saw a man in his mid-sixties, casually talking to his peers before the tractor auction. I noticed this guy because he was sporting denim shorts…and he was wearing cowboy boots.

11:30 am: There was a small auction that appeared to focus on any kind of redneck paraphernalia. For example, a Dale Earnhardt Jr. car that doubled as a billiard light was on the block. The highlight of this auction was an “Aunt Jemima” statue. As far as I could tell, this statue was the only non-white entity within 25 miles of this festival. Nobody bought “Aunt Jemima”…

12:00 pm: The tractor auction was due to begin at any moment. At least 1,000 people were tightly packed around a bunch of dilapidated tractors to see who would buy them. I started noticing how quiet and emotionless all these people were. Were they having fun? I don’t know. The overall vibe I got while standing in the crowd was that these people were inescapably drawn to this event, like moths to a flood light.

All of a sudden, the auction began. I admired the speed at which the auctioneer spewed out his gibberish. The auction company had a team of assistants who worked the crowd by pointing at them, while whooping and hollering. It appeared that only about 5 people were doing any sort of bidding. The rest of the crowd just stood there, as if they had been placed in a trance by a snake charmer.

1:00 pm: I was getting hungry, but there weren’t many options. The only food vendor on this end of the fairgrounds was a carnival trailer advertising Chinese food. I had grave reservations about the quality of Asian food at an event like this. There was no one in line…which not surprising considering that most good ol’ boys and gals are petrified of anything that ain’t served with cornbread and cole slaw. So I walked right up to the window of the trailer and ordered something akin to pepper steak, but made with sliced up steak-ums. Yum.

1:30 pm: I ventured down into the camping area to see what people were displaying and peddling in front of their tents and campers. There were a lot of neat old “hit and miss” engines on display, and I saw an old Porsche tractor. Little did I know that the highlight of the whole event would be found sitting in these shady woods…it was a semi truck (from the Smokey and the Bandit era) with some sort of RV Camper slapped on top of it. I can only hope that one day my photo of this vehicle will find its way back to me in the form of a chain email filled with pictures of rednecks and their antics.

2:00 pm: I stood on the upper rim of the giant bowl arena that was designed to showcase the tractor pull event that was to be held later in the day. I should point out that the event staff called it an arena…I would describe it as a big fucking crater that they dug out. The only activity going on in the arena at this point was a demonstration of a sheep-herding dog terrorizing a group of sheep.

2:30 pm: I was standing in line at a lemonade stand when I happened to notice that the girl in front of me had a can of Skoal in her back pocket.

3:00 pm: It was finally time for the tractor pull event. This was supposed to be the highlight of the day. Thousands of people were sitting on the bank around the “arena”. I expected the crowd to erupt with a joyful noise once these things started roaring and dragging a weight sled behind them. But that did not happen. It was disappointingly silent. I so wanted to hear chants of “Git R Dun” and shit like that, but there was nothing but the occasional polite clapping. Dammit!

Tags: iPhone, Skoal, Tractors